Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Nursing...

I shouldn't have posted this here, but sadly I have no where else I can really post this except for my Livejournal. But since I want to be as open and candid as I possibly can, I'm posting this here. There are a few bits and pieces of profanity sprinkled about that I won't edit since I wrote this during a time when I was pretty frustrated and angry. Also seeing as how this is my Christian blog, I wanted to post this here to express one of the many struggles I'm dealing with. Anyway, thank you for reading.

So I'm going to openly admit this. I have Mother Issues. I have Father Issues as well but I have Mother Issues. As a Christian, I'm writing this because I'm confused about how to deal with these issues so I decided to list off several issues I have with my mother and leave it for you to decide. My mother is a racist. Although according to her "Black people can't be racist because racism is can only be employed by those on top." she denies she's a racist but affirms that she's bigoted and prejudice (I fail to see the difference). I, myself am openly discriminatory, there are certain groups of people I don't associate with and certain areas I do my best to avoid, since all people are like this in some way, shape and form I am aware I am not unusual in this regard. The reason I call my mother a racist is because all of her anger is geared towards White People. My mother openly hates White People. She doesn't exactly care for any other race, but she HATES White People. Everything is a race war with her.

For example when The shooting in Sandyhook happened, my Mom's first reaction was say "OH when Trayvon Martin gets killed they wanna blame him for it, but when they start killing ol' Masa's kids NOW they wanna talk about gun control.". Fair assessment to make, after all they did attempt to blame Trayvon for his own murder despite being unarmed and not engaging in any criminal activity. However, in my eyes, and in the eyes of a lot of Christians a tragedy is still a tragedy no matter the number of people, the race of the victims or governmental outcome. I've written a piece about Trayvon Martin, the shooting in Colorado as well as Sandyhook . The reason I address this is become my Mother expressed no sympathy for the many killed at Sandyhook, her main point of distress was simply the fact that if it were a Black school that was shot up the story wouldn't even see the News. True or not, I'm still disturbed that her main point of contention was merely the race of the victims and NOT the crime it's self. This is not the only time this happened.

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When the tornado recently hit Oklahoma, my Mother was listening to the radio (as she usually does). I'd like you all to think about the juxtaposition here. I was listening to Janet Mefferd a few days after the tornado, Janet is a good Christian woman who covers news and events around the world, and she was talking about the devastation of the tornado, how people lost their entire livelihood, loved ones, and she started a very successful donation drive THE SAME DAY. I was moved by her sense of charity, love and sympathy for the victims, she didn't say ANYTHING about Oklahoma's political alignment, didn't mention politics AT ALL, just focused on the people and how they need our help. Juxtapose this with Andre Eggelletion, who's first words about The Oklahoma Tornado is "Oklahoma is a Red State.", and then went on to talk about whether or not Oklahoma should be left to their own devices since they voted against FEMA. I was even more disturbed when he suggested that Oklahoma suffered a tornado because God judged them for this vote. I was EVEN MORE disturbed when I found my mother AGREEING with that assessment and agreeing that Oklahoma shouldn't receive any aide from the government (no doubt as revenge for Hurricanes Katrina & Sandy).




I won't deny that the government was MORE than slow getting aide to those who suffered in Hurricane Katrina, however both situations where equally terrible and YET, Janet Mefferd who is a WHITE Christian woman talked about love, support, and compassion and THE BLACK MAN (who previously invoked God, so I'm guessing as some sort of Christian leaning) talked about Conservatives and how Oklahoma should basically be left in the wind and got what they deserve and my mother, a BLACK Christian woman agreed, and again showed NO COMPASSION, NO LOVE, NO SUPPORT. This isn't an isolated event either, she expressed the SAME feelings about the Earthquake in Japan (citing a statement made by The Emperor of Japan in the late '80s [which I can't find documentation of] as justification for her hatred of Japanese people). My mother believes that Asian women are ugly because of their eyes and often berated my brother for expressing an affinity for Asian women. Quite frankly my mother can't understand how any woman who isn't Black can be considered attractive.

This brings me to my next bit of contention with my mother, INTERRACIAL DATING. My mother is VERY MUCH against interracial dating (would it were up to her she'd make it illegal, sinful and punishable by death). My mother doesn't care about other races dating other races (although she's starting, as I can ALWAYS hear her say "Anything but a Black woman." every time a celebrity marries someone, my mother HATES IT, ABSOLUTELY HATES IT when a Black Man is dating a White Woman. Citing people like Wesley Snipes, Taye Diggs to O.J. Simpson and many others who've gone on record as saying they don't like Black Women for various reasons. There was a brief period of time when my mother refereed to both me and my brother as O.J. & Al (because we didn't express any attraction towards Black women...which is false). This is VERY contentious for me since my wife isn't Black and despite the fact that my mother has expressed numerous times that she likes Kim, I am all too aware of how she really feels and instructed Kim to be aware of that fact.

The many banes of my existence revolves around 2 running gags that my Mother CONSTANTLY feels the need to mention whenever the topic is brought up. One of which involves my intense hatred of mustaches. I think they look BEYOND ridiculous, ESPECIALLY if I have one. My Mother disagrees with me vehemently suggesting that Black men should have mustaches because our lips are big and without a mustache our lips look like vaginas, she's gone on to say that White people shouldn't have mustaches because they don't have full lips like Black people. I just hate mustaches, and pretty much any hair above the lips except eyebrows and eyelashes. She berates me about this stating that my hatred of mustaches is proof positive that I don't like Black Women, her reasoning being that the majority of Black Men who date or are married to White Women don't have mustaches, her reason for this is it chafes their thighs....yeah. She also goes on to state that Black women enjoy the sensation of a mustache when receiving cunnilingus, and she laughs at this joke every time she makes it, which is quite often.

She also makes it clear that White people invented cunnilingus because their penises weren't as big as Black Men and they had to find some way to compete. Hence cunnilingus was invented, of course this is all ahistorical bullsh*t but what else would you expect from a racist? The other bane of my existence is this a running gag that's unfortunately occurring A LOT since we live in America. Whenever my mother sees a large White woman, she'll lean over to me and whisper "Some Black man is licking his chops.", to suggest that said Black man is attracted to said large White Woman;

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According to my Mother, EVERY Black Man would want her...

As you can imagine with the unfortunately large number of large people in America this "joke" my mother says is said almost whenever we're out and about. She CONSTANTLY points out White Women and mentions how they're "Fat", "Dumpy", "Frumpy", "Ugly" and it ALWAYS concludes with "Some Black man is licking his chops.". This gets annoying VERY, VERY, quickly. My mother HATES White women, HATE, HATE, HATES THEM, pure and simple, for the sole reason of interracial dating. I won't sit her and deny that there are MANY, MANY factors involved in interracial dating, one of them being the White girl seeks to make her parents angry and decides to date a Black Man and The Black Man who thinks White Women are better than Black Women and dates NOTHING but White Women, I understand those stereo-types exist, BUT THEY DO NOT APPLY TO EVERY SINGLE INTERRACIAL COUPLE OUT THERE! And the mere suggestion that ANY BLONDE HAIRED, BLUE EYED WHITE GIRL is some how Black Man kryptonite is stupid...unfortunately...I know one too many Black men who perpetuate this stereo-type.

My mother also believes that NO White Man would EVER marry a Black woman out of fear of being disowned by his family. They'll have sex with them and use them as an exotic treat but will NEVER, EVER in a million years marry them. And if a White Man does marry a Black Woman, then he clearly hates his mother and is seeking to commit social suicide. My mother also laments the fact that not only is anyone NOT marrying Black Women BUT specifically dark-skinned Black women. Something that my brother and I are both blamed for, not only (according to my mother) do we NOT like Black Women but (according to her) we absolutely abhorred dark-skinned Black women. She's pointed out numerous times on shows like "The Bachelor" that all the Black women who compete on that show are stupid because NO White Man would EVER date or marry them and they shouldn't attempt to do such things KNOWING the outcome.

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Former Presidential Candidate John McCain's son married a Black Woman. My Mother isn't aware of this but once she is aware she will be dazed, confused, and swear that this was simply a political move and he doesn't really love her...Yeah.

In one such confrontation I had with my mother on the topic of interracial dating, she suggested that if I were dating a Black Woman and a White Woman wanted to sleep with me, I would eventually cheat on the Black Woman with said White Woman. Needless to say this infuriated me to NO END! The mere suggestion that I would cheat on ANYONE angers me and the suggestion that I'd cheat with someone SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY'RE WHITE angers me even more and the fact that my OWN MOTHER is saying this pushed me over the edge to the point where I yelled "Fuck you!" at her. I don't think I should have said that, but I don't disagree that she deserved it. Furthermore my Mother has told me numerous times that I don't like Black Women (despite the fact that I've never consciously said that) she cited something I said AS A CHILD as her justification for this statement. I have cited NUMEROUS times that I DO NOT LIKE GHETTO PEOPLE! I don't like ANYONE who speaks Ebonics. In the area I grew up in and the school I went to, EVERYONE PRETTY MUCH DID, only few Black girls didn't. Not to mention 2 of my middle school crushes were on Black girls. Once I moved to high school my environment changed from predominately Black to predominately White and considering all my time spent in middle school I was accused of "acting White", it'd only be logical that I'd find I had more in common with White people than I did Black people...go figure.

My Mother is the stereo-typical self-hating Light-skinned Black Woman. You see, my Grandmother is VERY light-skinned, light-skinned enough to be mistaken for a White Woman, as you can imagine my Mother is also light-skinned. She often told of her mistreatment at the hands of Dark-skinned Black Women who would attack her and scratch her face ect. ect. This caused my mother to grow up HATING light-skinned Black Women and sympathizing with Dark-Skinned Black Women. My mother would often cite that she married the Blackest thing she could get her hands on because she wanted my brother and I to grow up being visibly Black (mission accomplished there). But because of my mother's deep seeded sense of self-hatred, she HATES interracial couples because they're going to produce biracial children and she's afraid that everyone in the future will look like her, light-skinned. She often laments that there will be no more dark-skinned people. While I sympathize, there isn't anything I can do about it. She refers to biracial children as "mixie-mutt-mutts" and cites how ugly biracial children are. Needless to say my mother HATES biracial children and interracial dating.

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Technically, she shouldn't like you either, according to her you're a Mixie Mutt-Mutt...

Another issue I have with my Mother stems from the fact that EVERY SINGLE discussion with her NO MATTER WHAT (and believe me I've tried) EVENTUALLY becomes a discourse on Racism. From movies, to music, to even a bag of potato chips, ALL OF IT becomes a discussion on how THE EVIL WHITE MAN IS SCREWING OVER US POOR BLACK FOLK. I'm not denying institutionalized racism, I am NOT! But when we start talking about stuff in food accounting for homosexuality in the Black community, and the reason why Black girls are losing their trademark big butts, and manganese in the water accounting for rates of Black on Black crime, there's a line between institutionalized racism and absolute nonsense and yet my mother will expound this nonsense as if it were gospel. Furthermore, my mother HATES, HATES, HATES ANY conservative party, commentator or voter for the SOLE REASON that the conservative party is White. Even if they weren't wealthy, she'd still hate them simply because they're White. Any contention they have against President Obama is SIMPLY because he's Black and they're White, THERE CAN BE NO VALID REASON TO OPPOSE OBAMA. According to my mother the ONLY reason The Conservative Party opposed Obamacare is because he's Black, the ONLY reason The Conservative Party opposes Eric Holder is because he's Black.

Meanwhile people like Janet Mefferd, Dr. Albert Molher, David Wood, Dr. James White, Dr. Michael Brown and MANY others have exposed President Obama on MANY issues, BUT I guarantee you my mother wouldn't listen to a single one of them, Why? Because they're White and they don't like Obama because he's Black. And despite the MANY valid issues they'd put forth in regards to Obama's policies, she'll contend that "THEY WOULDN'T SAY THIS ABOUT BUSH!" or "HOW COME THEY'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THOSE DAMN REPUBLICANS AND HOW THEY'RE STEALING MONEY!?" or "HOW COME THEY AREN'T TALKING ABOUT HOW THOSE REPUBLICANS DOG US [meaning Black people] OUT!" and so on so forth, all valid complaints but unlike Obama, Republicans have NEVER interfered with our Free Speech rights, Obama however is. But of course I can't tell my Mother that, because that would mean that I'm siding with those EVIL WHITE FOLKS!

This is getting to be unbearable as every where I turn I have to listen about how much White folks hate us [meaning Black people], how much The Republicans want to see us all dead or in chains again, how Black Men hate Black Women, how Black men lust after "fat, ugly, dumpy" White Women, how I don't like Black Women just because of my hatred for mustaches and a statement that I don't even remember saying at an age when I was barely able to form coherent sentences! As a Christian, I try to respect my mother but this is getting more and more difficult because I'm starting to see that my Mother is CLEARLY just as racist as the most staunch Klan Member. To prove my point, she was listening to the radio and the topic was unfortunately Interracial Dating, A Black Man called in on the show and told a story of his Nephew who brought a White Girl home and they were hanging out, when his mother saw the White girl, she proceed to shout "GET THAT THING OUT OF MY HOUSE!", to which my mother expressed much praise and happiness over that reaction, however had the race of the girl been reversed, and a White Mother had said "GET THAT THING OUT OF MY HOUSE!" about a Black girl, my Mom would be IMMEASURABLY PISSED OFF...why the double standard?

Since I'm married now, the only woman I love is my wife, therefore her constant berating over my "not liking Black women" means nothing to me. However I can say in my high school life, well into my adult life it's caused me MUCH confusion, since I thought I suffered from self-hatred since I didn't find many of The Black woman that others found attractive (Moesha, Rhianna, Mary J. Blige, Kerry Washington, Jada Pinkett, Lena Horne, Nina Simone) attractive. But all of this was foolishness, since as mentioned before I did have a crush on 2 Black Girls growing up and I did have a thing for Tyra Banks (since she looked like an older version of one of the girls I had a crush on) when I was younger. So my confusion was self-inflicted and ingrained in me by my mother who CONSTANTLY told me that I didn't like Black women, and it got to the point where I truly believed I didn't. I know such isn't the case now.

At one point in time my mother attempted to convince me that if aliens were to come to Earth, they would automatically deem us (Black people) superior because of our dark-skin, I of course, didn't entertain such a foolish suggestion. But my mother has pressed it upon me that we are simply better than White People, and White people know it and they're jealous. I'm inclined to disagree. My mother has often expressed that she wanted my brother and I to be Huey Newtons, Afro-Centric revolutionaries who focused on Black culture and things of that sort. My mother's CONSTANT outrage at White People and laser like focus to Race relations is clearly over-compensation for her being light-skinned, my mother is mistaken for everyone BUT African American and she wants people to KNOW she's African American and she achieves this by making her expression of outrage against White People, clear and visible. This is getting too much to bare. I love my mother, I do, but I CANNOT love this and I'm not sure of what to say, do or if I should do anything at all...
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"Nursing her wrath to keep it warm."
-Robert Burns, Tam o' Shanter (1793), line 12.

1 comment:

D'arve Robinson said...

Not much you can do except lover her man. We can't change people, only the good Lord can do that.